Nobody asks for a lawyer. What about Jim? Just to see if the faces match up, right? And I go, “nothing? I get it. He’s like, “that’s a hub-106.” And they’re like, “how do you know that?” And he’s like, “I’ve been flying helicopters for, like, 47 years.”, dr. Dickhead that I was telling you about. I’m blown away, first of all, at how many times there’s a witness to a murder. You could still get out of this. You know what that is? And she goes… “[Gagging]”. I don’t want to be a part of that.” That’s literally like if you were, like, at NASA, and they’re like, “all right, future astronauts.” “We’re gonna go over space exploration, “and to get us started, why don’t you welcome Captain Kirk? It’s not exactly the easiest thing. With Tom Segura. Place order. So it’s like, “aw, if I lose my hat, I still have my favorite team right fucking here.” So I listen at the door. I don’t know why. That part’s never changed.” That’s why I’m here.” I go, “you can’t resolve this at all?” And she goes, “you could ask somebody else for change.” And I go, “another customer in line?” And she goes, “yeah.” And I go, “what about the box” with buttons in front of you?” And she goes… So I turn around to the line of people, and I go, “excuse me”, “do any of you guys have change?” And everybody was like, “you fucking asshole.” “Like, you’re at the place to get change. I’ve been doing this. Everybody loves hotels. I ask people all the ti… I hear shit. I can’t get over rude people. Are you kicking a child in the throat right now? Description. An elevator door opens. Completely Normal So his plan is to go to his son and be like, “some guy found your wallet. Tom Segura - Completely Normal by Comedy Dynamics published on 2014-11-05T23:52:13Z. Try to pawn this thing off as a comedy? You can’t really claim that that’s your weird thing.” And she goes, “yeah, but I only like to feel his eyelashes” against my butt cheeks.” And I was like, “what?” [Laughter] And she goes, “mm-hmm.” And I was like, “I didn’t even know that was a thing.” And she was like, “oh, yeah.” Like, “where the fuck have you been?” And I’m like, “what if he, like, you know, sneaks a lick”, like, ah-ah, like that?” And she goes, “I go, ‘no! Like, in my mind, I’ll be like, “just say you have AIDS. Tom Segura: Completely Normal (2014) cast and crew credits, including actors, actresses, directors, writers and more. Tom Segura: Completely Normal ( 50 ) IMDb 7.8 1h 13min 2014 NR Levelheaded stand-up Tom Segura shares offhand appraisals on hotels and opens up about his hobbies and digestive ailments in this comedy special. Go fuck yourself.” And I was like, “cool.” Thank you. He doesn’t have the same range of motion. Just be cowboy all the way, all right? It’s Wednesday. Let’s fucking do this, right?” This nice town car comes to the house. We moved… my wife and I moved to a new place. “It was sad. His office was such a piece of shit, that you could hear the conversation going on between the doctor and the patient ahead of you, which is never supposed to happen. What about people that one of ’em loves and one of ’em hates? I went out to breakfast. 25 tracks (56:52). All right. “I got told no 100 times by 100 people trying to find you. Why? It’s horrible. I did, however, go out to eat. '” and she goes, “that would be a great one.” Same show, I swear to you, a lady goes, “I have one.” And I go, “what is it?” And she goes, “I like to sit on my husband’s face.” And I go, “that’s not that unique. We have a table, but I’m an adult, and I can sit wherever I want. And I think I can tell you the story that will also make you believe this, all right? Your card expired three years ago.” I was like, “come on, man.” And he was like, “all right.” I was like, “wow, I’m a really good negotiator, huh?” I didn’t real… well, once you put it like that, yeah. I drank that pussy drink, and that’s the best shit I’ve ever had in my entire life. Perhaps it’s his personality. You could’ve been here, man. I know watching that much porn is lazy. Like, they’re literally like, “your life is on the line. I believe in humanity. They’re like, “that’s some old shit. Girlfriends will be like, “ugh, what?” But a wife? Oh, yeah. It’s gonna be a good week. Free Tom Segura: Completely Normal streaming online. Your email address will not be published. Segura is able to paint a vivid picture of the world through his stand up. Up until that point, he was just like, “that made a noise.” “I’m gonna make a noise too. I buy them so much, I get bumped up to first class. I’ll go, “thank you,” and they go… I go, “did you not… did you not just hear” what I just said to you, man?” And you get, like, a follow-up nod. Available on. Guys, we’ve covered a lot of stuff tonight. Netflix is facing calls to censor a new comedy special which features alleged âhate speechâ against people with Down Syndrome. People… people ask me cra… like, I get asked fucking travel advice from strangers. I’m not getting that shit.” What the fuck am I doing? I mean, states have it legalized. You should embrace that. Very nice of you. Stream Tom Segura - Completely Normal, a playlist by Comedy Dynamics from desktop or your mobile device. I think that’s infuriating. I’ve actually had to fart for, like, four years.” “All right. But here’s the honest-to-god truth, I really want to. I’ll tell you what. So I have found not Will Smith’s wallet. You know if you’re like, “I want to hang out with this person,” or “I want to date this person,” or “I want to harness this person to the bottom of my big rig and drive them around for a while “and bury them 18 miles west of lake worth. Now, only a little over a year later, Segura is back with a new hour-long special called Completely Normal, available from New Wave Dynamics as an MP3 download (also available for streaming in video format from Netflix). Because I think you would all say the same thing. As I leave, I see the guy who’s going in next, and I don’t know why I think it’s gonna be funny to listen. And then I left this place, and I was walking down the street. Thanks a lot. I knew the doctor wasn’t gonna be like, “you might be surprised to hear this, but you’re perfect. I want you to die first, but then I want all of them to die.” I say the opposite of whatever they’re trying to fucking get me to sign. I went to the doctor that day, and I’m… I’m gonna be completely honest with you. [Laughter] 170 miles, thank you. [Laughter] Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I’m an honest person, and I’m telling you, that shit is terrifying. What’s your favorite? He doesn’t say hello. He has two sisters. I asked people in the aud… like, “what’s your fucking craziest thing?” And a lady in the front row, she goes, “I have one.” And I go, “what is it?” And she goes, “oh, never mind.” [Laughter] I go, “what is it?” And she goes, “all right. “I don’t want that. “Nah, seriously.”, It just blows my mind… it really does… that everybody in this room… everybody… has this real world possibility in their lives… all of us, we could go tonight, if we wanted to… tonight, you could go to Louisiana, you could start a fight in a bar, and there is a real world possibility that Steven Seagal will arrest you. Can we just all agree on one thi… can we just fucking get onboard with the fact that it is time to see an end to the man who walks around in public with a cowboy hat on, like he’s not wearing a cowboy hat in public? You… [cheers and applause] You see it change. It’s a flaky-looking thing. And I just found out that not everybody does. And I think it’s probably accurate. Tom Segura White Racial Slurs Youtube. You can’t trust these guys.” I go, “give it to me.” I’ll get it back to the rightful owner.” And she goes, “really?” I go, “yeah.” She gives me the wallet. And that’s what fucking dating is. Early life. Eggs are on sale. But I’m alone. I think that shit’s rude. That’s cool.” Then you get married, and you’re like, “I want you to yank on my ball bag “like you’re stuck at sea and this is the only motor that’s gonna take you home.”. Super exciting. There are so many amazing moments on that show… so many. I don’t have a bone disease.” Like, I thought you could just be like, “weed’s awesome.” And he’d be like, “yeah, I fucking know,” like… So I start to panic internally… like, what am I gonna say? Um, I’m sorry that I’m fat. I will not watch that show. Bow! And you know when you have chemistry with somebody. Could you please include the freaky shit? But I will tell you this. Levelheaded stand-up Tom Segura shares offhand appraisals on hotels and opens up about his hobbies and digestive ailments in â¦ Rent $3.99. What’s up, man?” And he goes, “do you want something for your hair?” And I go, “what?” And he goes, “do you want something for your hair?” And I go, “I don’t get it.” And he goes, “has nobody told you that your hair’s falling out?” I was like, “damn. I’m sweating. And then he don’t move no more.” And you’re like, “that’s my eulogy? Tom Segura has two Netflix comedy specials to his name. But that’s not true. Perhaps his overall delivery style. They look like they’re gonna go, “Mmm… Aah!” Like that, but they don’t. “L.A.P.D. Being in a hotel, just waiting for the show. 2014 | TV-MA | 1h 13m | Stand-Up Comedy. I just take shit, and I go…, I find rudeness everywhere. His arms and his legs are chained, and he’s completely naked, and you’re like, “whoa. Did you or did you not know dookie shoes?” “I don’t know no dookie shoes.” “I got a picture of you hanging out with dookie shoes.” “I mean, I seen him. I don’t even know.” Stop being white and weird. Jim likes to be hit in the nuts with a wrench, okay? And I want you to know something. There’s no higher stakes than somebody being questioned about taking somebody else’s life. Do you like furniture?” So I open this wallet. “Do you know this guy?” And everyone’s like, “nah.” But then one guy’ll be like, “yeah!” That’s Cricket right there.” They’re like, “oh, shit.” You know him?” “I been knowin’ Cricket 27 years.” “What’s his real name?” “Man, that’s just Cricket. I thought you were gay.” And I go, “why?” And he goes, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “all right, dude.” And he goes, “hey, I’m just kidding.” And I go, “that’s fine.” He goes, “but check it out.” And he takes my chart, and he shows it to me, and he had written “gay?” On my medical chart. There’s the room they check you out in, they check your stuff, and then, there’s the main room with all the goodies, right? “I spoke to your father, who’s not a fan. I really wish that each and every one of you could see my internet search history. I feel horrible about my digestive system. “I’ll tell you what. And she goes, “do you need to go to the hospital?” And I go, “for what?” And she goes, “for what just happened in there.” And I go, “what just happened in there?” And she goes, “is that normal for you?” And I was like, “I don’t even remember what happened”, so I guess so.” She goes, “Jesus, how often do you shit like that?” And I was like, “every day.” She goes, “oh, my God. Margarine, I don’t know. For instance, without television, I would have no idea that Steven Seagal is out of his fucking mind. “I found your wallet in a cab in D.C. a year ago. [Mumbles] They’re like, “what?” “Yeah. Will you at least admit to me, and more importantly to yourself, that you would love to see the girl with two heads take a shit? For those familiar with Segura, his style remains the same. ‘Cause I think he’s not gonna get it, and I’ll tell you why. My experience was surreal. '” I just want to feel squink-squink-squink.” So stop feeling weird and sit on people’s faces, all right? I’m crazy.” Remember my face and never ask me to sign shit again.”. My review can be found here at the bottom of this page. Meh.” “I can see your teeth. A lot of girlfriends can’t handle that shit. “But take your joint, flick it at ’em, “be like, ‘suck my dick, man.’ they’ll laugh and high-five you… it’s fine.”. Ow, ow.” He writes me a prescription. ‘Cause you’re leaving the grocery store, and you’re feeling what? So I hear a knock at the door. Yeah, it’s a black guy and he’s wearing a wife beater, and he’s got on a dirty hat and he’s got a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, and he looks like he’s about 33, but you find out he’s 76 years old. What are you talking about?” And you watch this show, he has the most unlikeable quality in a human being, which is that he is an expert in everything. This comes on TV. Do you have a ring on your finger?” And I go, “yeah.” And he goes, “you’re married?” And I go, “yeah,” and he goes, “to a guy?” And I go, “no.” And he goes, “oh. I haven’t. Tom Segura: Completely Normal Share DVD â¢ March 15, 2014 â¢ 1h 14m â¢ NOT RATED Pussy drinks forever. Stage banter takes on a different — deeper — meaning as the comedian performs online shows to homebound viewers worldwide from his Mumbai residence. â Tom Segura, Tom Segura: Completely Normal Tagged: Black Guy Voice , Los Angeles , Crenshaw Boulevard âI am telling you, the moment I get bumped up to first class, I â¦ $53 million? Now, I feel obligated to find the owner. And she won the conversation, okay? He goes, “well, I love it all.” And I’m like, “what’s all?” That’s a broad statement.” He goes, “I love coke. Jesus Christ.” They always cut to the whitest detective from that guy too. Like, it was… wasn’t a bad day. I like Havarti cheese the most. We’re fucking going.” Where’s that? You’re, like, 1,000 years old.” “You have a couple weeks to live, maybe. Really? She did. I tried to do the right thing, right? âTom Segura: Completely Normal (2014) directed by Jay Chapman â¢ Reviews, film â¦ They know you well. Because you know in a hotel you’re gonna have sex, and you’re gonna have an elevated form of sex. And every episode begins with him looking in the camera and saying, “I don’t know if you knew this or not”, but for the last 20 years, I’ve been a cop.” And you’re like, “what did you just say? So I’m super frustrated. Right now. “The last dude’s eyes didn’t even work. [Sighs] I just realized my fucking… I do have a hobby. I go to Crenshaw. You know what I’m…” I’m like, “dude, turn around.” So I go, “can I ask you something?” He goes, “yeah. Hands down the best stand-up special that I have ever seen, & definitely the funniest thing that I've ever come across in my short days here on earth, Tom Segura: Completely Normal is filled with raunchy and wild jokes and stories that had me in tears at all times. Radio, television, and live performance veteran, Tom Segura shares a few off-hand appraisals on hotels and hobbies with a cool and thoughtful demanor in this oneâ¦ Watch Tom Segura: Completely Normal Online | Vimeo On Demand on Vimeo Year Album Label AllMusic â¦ I do. They can guide you based on what they know about you. Not everybody’s on board with double-headed bjs. How many Parkinson’s jokes am I supposed to applaud with this thing? And it’s not what you think. Thank you for coming.” The thing is… he’s like, “ah, hold on.” Mucho queso.” They’re like, “I think my English is way better than your Spanish, man.” And he’s like, “no gracias.” And then, to all Asian people, he bows, regardless of where he meets them. He points at me, which is super aggressive, you know, to start a conversation with somebody. If you’re gonna air a fucking freak show, which is what that is, do you mind? We’re gonna have to find Cricket on our own.” When they go, “ah, really interesting story you got there.” Doctors do that because you’re telling them a story, and doctors don’t want to hear a story. Boop. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, Bowser and Blue – The Illustrated Canadian Songbook. He has a show. I’m sitting on… I’m sulking, like… [Sighs] On the couch. “Which way is the subway? I don’t know. Never met her before in my life. For those cops. This is a different doctor. You’re not supposed to connect with everybody on the planet. I won’t watch the show. You can kill somebody, you can’t lie for ten fucking minutes about it? It’s so dif… I mean, first of all… all right, let’s be clear. It’s khaki dickies with an oversized white t-shirt, Chuck Taylors, an L.A. Hat, and also an L.A. Tat in, like, this general area here. Why don’t you get a corvette and make it a whole kit? If somebody cuts you off in line, be like, “meet me at the saloon at noon. I do that too, except I’m alone. It has $2, a grocery store rewards card, and a community college I.D. San Francisco sure is a pretty city.” Yeah, I’ll see you there in six months, when you get there on your fucking horse. Pick a fucking name. Like, some navy seals, or green berets?” And they go, “no.” We brought in Steven Seagal.” And you’re like, “are we shooting a fucking movie” this week or something?” They’re like, “uh-uh.” “Okay, I’ll pass, ’cause that’s ridiculous. He… he panders to every group according to race, knowing full well there’s a camera crew following him around. We sit down, and the waiter comes up to take our order, and I go, “Justin?” And he goes, “how do you know my name?” And I go, “dude, I have your wallet.” And he goes, “oh, do you have it on you?” I go, “no, I don’t fucking walk around with your wallet.” “I don’t go, ‘I got my wallet, and I got Justin’s wallet. She’s now standing, holding car keys. This is a different doctor. I like being married. Sometimes I just look in the mirror, and I’m like, “fuck.” I lie to myself all the time. Hold on a second.”. Starring: Tom Segura. I’m like… [Laughs] And I hear the doctor go, “what is your medical need for marijuana?” And the guy goes, “I just really like the way that weed makes me feel.” And then the doctor wrote him a prescription for that. Like for sunset? And, like, some people are amazing with their, like… “oh, I b… I build furniture.” You’re like, “that’s your job?” “No, no. Have fun with that, man. She’s going to leave this day, right? Mm. Watch Tom Watch Disgraceful on Netflix Watch Mostly Stories on Netflix Watch Completely Normal on Netflix NEWSLETTER SIGNUP SIGN UP! “Are people the same everywhere?” No. So much fun. So just to break this shit down, I don’t know if you’ve ever used a phone before, but usually, when you call someone, [mimics phone ringing] And they pick it up, they say, “hello.” That’s fucking it. Bow!” And you’re like, “what the fuck?” And then, after, like, the tenth stroke, she goes, “this salad is too spicy. [Laughter and applause] The guy can’t eat soup. He doesn’t say good morning. Yeah. And in my mind, I just go to the worst shit. It is also super serious. I live in Los Angeles. Fox show because I don’t want to see shaky face not stand still for one frame. I was like, “155 feet? 96/100. You’re gonna have hotel room sex, which is, let’s have sex, but let’s also disrespect this room. “We need to talk to you. Not if you’re black. If you’re white, he’s like, “how’s it going? You know who likes to be cowboys more than anybody? Get the fuck out of here. “I come to a restaurant at random, “I get seated in your section, “and I recognize you from your I.D. You ask travel advice to people who know you intimately. I tour the country. He’s a doctor because he got a business card, and he put “dr.” on it. Ugh.” I’m so much better than them. We’re splitting the cab. Levelheaded stand-up Tom Segura shares offhand appraisals on hotels and opens up about his hobbies and digestive ailments in this comedy special, Steven Seagal. This time around Segura has bits about people’s sense of entitlement (a great bit about how when you’re lucky enough to be upgraded from coach to first class with an airline, you immediately feel “better” than the scum sitting back in coach), the fact that actor (well, defined loosely) Steven Seagal is a real law enforcement officer in Louisiana, and a great long-form bit about his crazy, insulting doctor. “My hotel room used to look like an episode of NCIS. Every other episode, they’re like, “you see that shit?” And the guy’s like, “I saw that shit. No warning, just bow! I don’t like the way people knock tv though. I feel like in my experience, doctors are polite. I don’t. Come on, hotels are great. For my money, Segura is one of the best comics working today. I’m a cowboy.” And you better ride a horse everywhere. “And your father’s fucking Batman. Ow, ow. And something just took over, you know? This man answers the phone… [Mimics phone ringing] Picks it up, and he goes, “ah.” And I go, “hello?” And he goes, “wah.” And I go, “I’m gonna talk, and then you talk.” And he goes, “yeah.” Like, it was the first time someone explained to him how fucking phone calls work. “Is the answer in there? Find Tom Segura discography, albums and singles on AllMusic ... full condensed blue highlight denotes album pick Filter Discography By Albums All. But my card expired three years ago. Lie for longer. Watch Tom Segura: Completely Normal online for free with Amazon Prime (Assuming Tom Segura: Completely Normal is on Amazon Prime and you have a registered account). Fucking Big Daddy Kane. Why are you cutting out scenes that I know exist?” There’s got to be days where one of them is like, “I feel like going out tonight.” “Well, I feel like staying home.” “Well, I control the legs. “And then, we picked up Connor, and we had pancakes. I think you would all be like, “this is one sick, twisted, deviant pervert, who also loves current events.” My history is literally a back-and-forth volley of, like, “big, sloppy tits” smacked back and forth by 13 cocks.” “What’s going on in Syria?” I feel badly about watching so much of it too. And I was like, “‘sup, Kane?” And his head whipped around, and he was like, “you?” And I was like, “nuh-uh. But the detectives insist on using the suspect’s street name, so the whole thing turns into a fucking cartoon. In 2012 Tom Segura self-released the hilarious stand-up comedy album, White Girls With Cornrows. “Mm, mm, mm.” “You have horrible technique. You’re right there.” Well, then this one Arab guy… and I’m not saying that means anything… but he was, so why leave it out of the story? The guy comes from behind the counter and he goes, “where are you from?” I said, “Los Angeles.” And he goes, “yeah, I got family in Denver.” And I was like, “what a coincidence.” And he goes, “yeah, they got a furniture store.” And I was like, “ah.” I like to sit on furniture. It’s khaki dickies with an oversized white t-shirt, Chuck Taylors, an L.A. Hat, and also an L.A. Tat in, like, this general area here. But I still try to do the right thing. Uh, yeah. We’re not gonna solve that shit.” Really? You don’t have to lie to me.” And I go, “I’m not lying.” And he goes, “I can’t treat you if you’re not gonna be honest.” And I go, “hey, man, aren’t cokeheads skinny?” Isn’t that, like, part of the deal?” And he goes, “usually, yeah.” The nurse comes in. 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